My observation

Hello everyone, this picture is a painting on the wall by the baptism bath (3rd floor) at Payap Christian Zone Church of Christ. The artist is an American named Ella...sorry I don't know her last name. She travels a lot and she's a really cute, sweet, and cool artist.

I have been here in Palmerston North 5 weeks but it seems longer . The reason is not because I don't like here but i guess I'm stuck on campus too much. I can't help it 'coz I live in a dorm school and just imagine being in a boarding school at the age of 25. Well, it's safe, cheap and convenient here, especially for cooking. Those of you who know me, yeah, I don't cook, so I just eat what the cafeteria makes. I've found myself these days that I just eat for energy. I don't really care what I like to eat or not. Sometimes, I'm too worried about assignments and I don't even know the tastes. I've observed something lately. I know that it's an international school but discrimination is still going on here. At the cafeteria, I can see people sit by nationalities, but there are some people that really enjoy being around those who are from other countries. 2 ways to look at this situation: first, they are trying to practice English, getting to know different culture, or they are just friendly. Second, they are trying to get away from their roots. I usually sit with Asians, I do have some nice Kiwi friends but I prefer sitting by myself and watch people. Maybe the Thais have the same attitude towards me because I don't hang out with them much. I like them but my schedule is totally different from theirs.

I have been to 4 churches since I came here. I still haven't made a decision which one I want to join as a member. I've been so weak spiritually because I only know a few Christians here. Last week, I didn't go to church 'coz the night before I couldn't sleep. Then I slept in the morning. That's how my schedule like....sigh... This week I went to the same one I went the other week. It's a big church with all kinds of media. I like that part but somehow I feel empty when I go there. I really miss Payap Christian Zone, Chiang Mai. I miss the people the most...i guess. People here are nice but it seems to me that they just come to church because they want to socialize. Well, it's true...that's another thing you get when you come to church on Sunday. You get to socialize with people who "at least" believe in God. Back home, we are more like family...we come to church to encourage, to check up with our brothers and sisters. We welcome new friends and invite them to hang out with us after church. Here is more like a duty.

Anyway, back to my point, I also observed myself in this aspect. I think I'm being a hypocrite. In school, I don't really do anything to act as a Christian. I do pray by myself sometimes. Don't ask about reading the Scripture. I have a lot of bad thoughts come in to my mind, but I also know that I need to go to church on Sunday. (It's like a routine which I don't wanna lose it.) Do you get what I'm saying? Though it's just something I'm used to, I know that it's a way of trying to hold on to God. It's been really hard on me living in this setting. I even imagine myself faded away from God and behaved like these people around. It could possibly happen, right? and that scares me to death...like real death apart from His kingdom.

I'm struggling...because people around me remind me of something...and I'm struggling even in my dreams...old and new enemies...